Christ Speaking -- Matthew

This list shows the "spoken version" of each verse of Christ's words in Matthew. It adds interactions with audiences, pauses, and other interactions you would see in a spoken presentation. The word order follows the order of the original Greek much more closely than other English so that the humor works correctly, especially the punch lines. This work is being done as part of a new version capturing the Gospel of Matthew from a different perspective.
Matthew 22:9 Go therefore into the highways,
Non-Jesus Verse: Matthew 24:3 The Apostle's Question
Matthew 15:20 These are [the things] which defile a man:
Matthew 16:19 And I will give to you the keys of the kingdom...
Matthew 18:4 Whoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child,
Matthew 20:11 And when they had received [it],
Matthew 22:11 And when the king came in to see the guests,
Matthew 23:12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased;
Matthew 17:12 ...Elias is come already,
Matthew 22:10 So those servants went out into the highways,
Matthew 15:24 I am not sent but unto the lost sheep
Matthew 16:25 For whoever will save his life shall lose it:
Matthew 20:13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend,
Matthew 22:13 Then the king said to the servants,
Matthew 23:13 But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!
Matthew 22:12 And he said to him, Friend, how
Matthew 14:18 Bring them here to me.
Matthew 15:26 It is not good to take the children's bread
Matthew 16:26 For what is a man profited,
Matthew 20:14 Take yours and go your way:
Matthew 22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.
Matthew 23:15 Woe unto you...for you compass sea and land to make one proselyte
Matthew 20:6 And about the eleventh hour
Matthew 15:28 O woman, great [is] your faith:...
Matthew 16:27 For the Son of man shall come
Matthew 20:18 Behold, we go up to Jerusalem...
Matthew 22:19 Shew me the tribute money.
Matthew 23:23 Woe unto you...for you pay tithes of mint and anise and cumin,
Matthew 20:9 And when they came that [were hired]
Matthew 22:20 Whose is this image and superscription?
Matthew 15:32 I have compassion on the multitude,
Matthew 16:28 There be some standing here who shall not taste of death
Matthew 18:10 Take heed that you despise not one of these little ones;
Matthew 22:21 Render therefore unto Caesar
Matthew 26:53 Did you think that I cannot now pray...
Matthew 22:32 I am the God of Abraham,
Matthew 15:4 For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father
Matthew 15:34 How many loaves do you have?
Matthew 18:11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.
Matthew 21:21 Truly I tell you, If you have faith...
Matthew 22:29 You err, not knowing the scriptures,
Matthew 20:12 Saying, These last have wrought but one hour
Matthew 22:38 This is the first and great commandment.
Matthew 15:5 But you say, Whoever shall says [to his] father
Matthew 17:9 Tell the vision to no man,
Matthew 18:12 What do you think? If a man has an hundred sheep,
Matthew 21:22 And all things, whatever you shall ask in prayer...
Matthew 22:30 For in the resurrection they neither marry,
Matthew 20:19 And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock,..
Matthew 22:40 On these two commandments hang all the law
Matthew 15:6 And he need not honor his father nor his mother.
Matthew 16:3 And in the morning, foul weather today:
Matthew 17:11 Elias truly shall first come
Matthew 18:13 And if it is that he finds it,
Matthew 21:27 Neither shall I tell you by what authority...
Matthew 22:31 But as touching the resurrection of the dead,
Matthew 23:3 All therefore whatever
Matthew 20:28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto,
Matthew 22:43 How then did David in spirit
Matthew 15:7 Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you,